Well, I've gone and done it. After 8 months of making excuses, I joined Weight Watchers today. I actually made one last excuse on my way there - I resent joining today - the day the masses start their diets. But, I did it. I'm one of them. I want to feel good about this. But, I feel disappointed in myself that I have to lose weight. I wish I loved salads instead of cookies. Or, that I had a naturally fast metabolism like my husband. Or, I was one of those people that gets so busy they "forget" to each lunch. But, I'm not and I need to accept this.
In our Philadelphia hotel room, there was a scale in the bathroom. I have avoided scales recently. With good reason it turns out. I got on it to weigh Spencer (subtract my weight from our weight together) and I was shocked by my weight. I guess I've been living in denial and it really opened my eyes. That, and the fluorescent lighting that highlighted each dimple in my thighs. It felt so bad about myself because of that stupid number that when I went to Anthropologie (loveliest of stores full of lovely things) a few hours later with a $300 store credit, I left with NOTHING. I couldn't even try anything on because I had convinced myself I was too fat to fit into anything and didn't want to face the disappointment.
So, I start fresh today with several goals to motivate myself:
- I want to lose this weight before I have another baby. I don't want to fall into the trap of getting pregnant at my fat weight and just piling it on.
- I want to feel confident walking down the aisle in front of 300 people in my slim red bridesmaids dress at a wedding in May.
- I have a photo of myself in a bikini from our honeymoon on my nightstand now. I love how I look in the photo. I want to look like that again.
I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I'm almost exactly the same weight now that I was before I lost 20 pounds on WW in 2000. It feels like a long road ahead right now, but I really do want to do it so I just have to let go of all the ugly psychological nonsense buzzing in my head right now and grab a carrot stick.
Welcome to Weight Watchers! (BIG SIGH) I know what you mean about the resentment thing. Big-time. (I have a naturally-skinny husband, too.)
Read my latest blog post for a book recommendation. For me, being informed of the facts does help some with the resentment. But oh, do I miss the nights by the TV with wine, cheese, & crackers.... YES! Ugh! If only that lifestyle didn't make me obese on the BMI scale, it would have been darn near perfect.
Posted by: Abby | January 02, 2008 at 03:38 PM
You ought to congratulate yourself for joining, that's a big step alot of people don't even make. I bet you drop that weight in no time. Best of luck!
Posted by: skiplovey | January 02, 2008 at 04:44 PM
Go Tracer! I keep telling myself I am waiting to exercise until "tomorrow" because if i start on January 1, it will be too much pressure. Then it's January 2, and well, why not wait until the 3rd -- Im still on vacation right? So now it's january 3rd, and Im thinking Ill start tomorrow -- that is, of course, until tomorrow, when I'll put it off again. Im envious of your initiative and I hope you are happy with how you look in no time. (though, of course, I think you loook fine!)
Also, i think you could be a size 2 and feel fat in some of the things they sell at anthropologie.
Posted by: becky | January 03, 2008 at 06:12 PM
Hey! Kristin told me about your site and I LOVE it....I just had a baby girl who is now 2 months old and all of your blogs are SOOO right on!!!! I think my favorite is the 2 month one w/ the Batteries allowing you to get everything done!! BTW- you look fabulous!! It doesn't look like you need to do WW at all!! Congrats on Spencer! He's adorable!! xxoo Meg Doscher (Smith)
Posted by: Meghan | January 05, 2008 at 09:11 AM
Good for you for taking the plunge. I think I ought to as well... but I joined a CSA instead and I'm hoping that I'll eat healthier and it'll just happen. Good luck and thanks for posting.
Posted by: Amy | January 06, 2008 at 10:24 PM